Finally the depression I had been feeling for years got so bad I shut down entirely and recognized I needed to seek therapy right away. With prodding from a friend coupled with recommendations from their therapist – helping narrow the choices significantly because when you’re deep in a depressive episode, decisions can be hard and the simplest can be overwhelming – I started seeing who I affectionately refer to as my Shrink Lady.
It was only a couple months later I finally decided to speak out loud to myself and others I am a trail runner, to admit to myself my truth and breathe into that decision. I felt a faint murmur of that warm glowing feeling. It’s kind of like a hug from the inside out, like it’s your soul coming from deep inside giving your heart a squeeze. It’s kinda like your insides say, “Whew.” I didn’t understand what it was at the time but have felt it several times since, each time gaining intensity or maybe it’s just I’m more open to the idea now.
About four months after seeing the Shrink Lady I started to read Daring Greatly and lurked over Fierce Forward. I took copious notes and tweeted much of what I found insightful and promising. I learned about numbing as a means to cope with life’s stressors and you can only stop feeling for so long before the body demands you pay attention.
I felt the glowing feeling as I learned about shame and how every one of us let it rule our judgment side.
I felt it again when Chevy came back into my life.
And again each Wednesday morning when out on the sunrise trail run.
And again when my kid clearly enjoyed his accidental Home Alone moment.
And again each time I attend the Virginia War Memorial 5k. Or visit any war memorial for that matter. Or visit my dad where he is interred.
And again every time I traverse Texas Beach.
And again when I treated my kid to Halfway House for his 16th birthday.
And again on this best run ever.
And again during as well as completing my first 50 miler.
And again when spending a weekend in DC with some pretty fierce women as we happened upon The Frey doing a sound check by the National Monument.
And again when Chevy and I camped on our own.
And again when my 16yo said to me, “I’m not a big fan of looking back on past relationships, they’re over for a reason.” (I mean, where did that come from?)
And again as I realize I really do want to get better faster stronger at this ultrarunning thing so hiring a coach is necessary. After all, admitting your truth means admitting you suck at training yourself.
And again on Sunday when I just happened to look right and see this:
And then a bit later came upon this:
And again even now. Enlightenment is imminent and the confusion that exists is of growth and transformation and steeling determination. It’s my heart and mind sorting through slop and trusting the process. I sense the fire smoldering, confirmation I am headed in the right direction. I am a volcano bidding my time, waiting for the right moment to erupt into something new, covering the old with ash and hardened lava; multiple layers that form an island, breaking through the pressure of my own confinement.
It’s an addicting feeling, that glow. It keeps me guided toward my truth. It reminds me with a temperance of poison when I’m going in the wrong direction.
Yet it is moored by kindness.